Tag Archives: healing

Sometimes ♫ I Don’t Wanna Sing

Depression can be like a deep, dark, hole in your soul.  When you’re in that place, sometimes it feels like you will never get out.  Not because the hole is too big to climb out of, but because the hole is you.  At least for me, despair rarely feels like something that’s happening to me, caused by something outside affecting me.  It feels like it is part of me, a fundamental part, at the core of who I am… and it will never change, and there’s no point in trying to escape it, because it’s where I belong.

When I look back I see
The person that I was
Staring back at me.
Same confusion,
Same despair.
I become the she that I was there.
Caught in the moment,
Panicking, still.
No escape.
No free will.

If you’ve never been depressed, or if your fundamental years were free of depression, you may well have no clue what I meant by that.  If you’ve been depressed for very long, and especially if you were depressed as a child, as I was, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.

If you are in that place, please know that it is not you.  No matter how much a part of your life it seems, you can come out of it without giving up who you are, regardless of its cause.

But you will probably need help to come out of it.  Psychologists and well meaning friends and loved ones can help sometimes, for some people, but that often falls far short, and sometimes makes things worse.  Sometimes the best solution is the one that seems the most desperate, so we never even consider it.  Sometimes, you have to look up.

I spent over a decade in that place, resigned to always being there.  I spent nearly another decade trying, and mostly failing, to claw my way out, with the help of a really great friend, who kept trying to convince me that it wasn’t part of me.   I never believed him, but I was trying anyway, for his sake.  I was also working on my spiritual walk, drawing closer to God every day, and one day God just picked me up and pulled me out of that pit.

And suddenly that deep darkness was gone, but I was not.  I was left reeling, almost in shock over the sudden change.  It took me quite a while to adjust to the change, the sudden loss of such a huge part of my life.  I was happy, don’t get me wrong, it was a relief I don’t think many people can relate to, but it had been part of my life for so long, part of my self-identity, and I had had no idea that it was something other than me, that whole time.  Something riding on my shoulder, pushing me down.  I was intact, I was whole, and it was not a part of me after all.

But sometimes
When I look up I see
The person that I could,
Maybe, someday be.
No delusion,
No more fear.
Possessed of a mind that’s free and clear.
In those moments,
Hope abounds.
And all is great,
And I am found.

(The poem quoted here is titled “Sometimes” by me – Tammy Bowles.  I don’t mind if you share it but please give the reference.)

I don’t think anything anyone said could ever have convinced me of that fact.  If you’re in that place right now you probably think I’m crazy for believing I was healed, or maybe you just think it’s well and good for me, but your case is hopeless.  I understand.  I truly do.  But please give God a chance.  Ask Him to help, and then let Him (He’s a gentleman, He won’t take the reigns from you, you have to hand them over).

If any of this seems a little too esoteric, I apologize.  I am still a little uncomfortable sharing at this level in the open, but if you would like to talk about this stuff in more detail please feel free to contact me.

I’m not saying that I never see that dark place anymore.  God pulled me out, and I no longer live there, but there are times that I find myself looking back in.  Hormone spikes can send me in that direction.  I found out a few months ago that the wrong medication could send me back there as well.  It always feels so familiar that it takes me a little while to figure out what has happened.

In the midst of that last medication-induced bout of depression God gave me a couple of lines and told me to write the rest of this song, because I needed to hear the ending.  It’s a funny thing to be told to write what you need to hear, but it worked out in the end.

I shared this song on my Facebook page a while back, and have sung it at church a few times.  I was going to wait to share it here until I got some music and a better recording, but something tells me I need to share it now…  Perhaps someone out there needs to hear the ending as well.





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Filed under Deep Stuff, Music & Songs, Personal

I met a man tonight who could really use your prayers…

His name is Dick. He saw my chair and started asking some questions. I spent about an hour talking with him, and could tell he was really having a hard time handling his situation and was grateful just to finally meet someone who understands nerve pain (even though I’m much better off than he is).

His appendix burst a while back and he ended up getting gangrene that spread through his blood stream. He’s been left in pretty bad shape with all kinds of crazy medical problems. His liver and kidneys are in bad shape, his gall bladder is shredded (they don’t know what did that), he’s got diabetes, his heart is bad, and he’s on massive doses of blood thinners because he’s producing too much blood.

He’s also been left with a very severe peripheral neuropathy, has enormous amounts of pain, and can’t find meds to help that don’t have contraindications w/his heart meds. They can’t even do the surgery to remove his gall bladder because his heart is too bad.

After offering some advice on meds that might work, who to talk to about getting a decent chair/braces, etc, and exchanging numbers, I told him I’d be praying for him…

He didn’t say not to, but he made it clear he didn’t think prayer would help.

It broke my heart.  I can’t imagine going through what he’s gone through with no faith to stand on.  Even though what I face on a daily basis is very minor compared to what he’s going through right now, I know I would not be capable of facing one more day without the hope I find in Christ.  

I don’t know whether I’ll ever get the chance to speak with him again.  We exchanged numbers, so hopefully we’ll be in touch.  In any case I intend to keep him in my prayers, and ask you to agree with me.  While his physical situation is dire, and prayer is definitely needed there, my heart aches for him to find the Savior.  No one should have to face such a disparaging situation without the sure and certain knowledge he is safe in the hands of a competent God, that healing is not impossible, and that something better awaits him.


Filed under Prayer Requests

off the path

I haven’t posted for a while, mainly because I’ve been too busy. I’ve also taken to reading just before I go to sleep, which means I’m not near a computer.

I’m currently somewhere in Joshua, but this post is actually going to center around a passage in John. The sermon at church this Sunday evening was based on John chapter 9, and something struck me when the passage was read, that was quite different than the sermon, so I figured I’d mention it here.

It’s important to read through the entire chapter. The short version of the story is this (completely paraphrased):

  1. Jesus comes across a beggar who is blind (from birth)
  2. The disciples ask Him what sin caused the man’s blindness.
  3. Jesus answers that there was no sin in this case, the man was blind so that God could be revealed in his healing.
  4. Jesus heals him.
  5. He rejoices, people marvel, the people take him to the Pharisees (most likely to judge the validity of the miracle).
  6. The Pharisees question whether someone from God would heal on the sabbath; they question the man’s identity and history; they attempt to get him to say that Jesus is a sinner; and they interrogate the man hoping to get him to recant his story.
  7. After enduring their questions a couple of times, the man preaches to them — pointing out that he is the one who was blind, but they are the ones acting like blind men. He further points out that their own teachings insist that He could not have performed this miracle without the blessing of God.
  8. Not being able to argue with him, they pull the “born in sins” card (they believed that being born blind was a punishment for some sin he or his parents committed) and kicked him out for daring to try to teach them (even though they had been asking for his opinion at first, when they couldn’t agree with each other).
  9. Jesus finds the man after hearing that he was driven out.
  10. Jesus reveals himself as God to the man (in front of some of the pharisees).
  11. The man believes (note: he did not believe in Jesus as Lord until this point, he was healed before believing).
  12. Jesus uses the situation as a starting-off place for some prophecy and teaching…

And here is where the lessons start.

The beggar who had been blind believed as soon as the truth was revealed to him. The pharisees, having seen miracle after miracle, and having just come face to face with a verified miracle, chose to remain blind to the truth. In Jesus words, “For judgment I am come into this world, that they which see not might see; and that they which see might be made blind.” (John 9:39, KJV).

The pharisees got the point, and responded sarcastically, basically saying “surely you’re not calling us blind?” (paraphrase). Jesus responded, “If ye were blind, ye should have no sin: but now ye say, We see; therefore your sin remaineth.” Recognize that they believed someone who was blind was obviously in sin, so this response would have no doubt seemed absurd to them. At the same time, in the context it would have made perfect sense. They would have had to have known, deep down, that they were just searching for some way to discount Him so that they wouldn’t have to change their world view. They knew that they were confused (or they never would have asked a beggar’s opinion earlier), so they knew that saying they could see (in the figurative sense) was a lie, and Jesus called them on it.

From here it moves in to chapter 10, which is not a separate story but a continuation of the lessons that are started in chapter 9. John 10 might just be my new favorite passage, and I have too much to think about to cover it here without writing another book, so I think I’ll probably write about it in my next post.

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Filed under Bible Study

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Filed under Disability, Personal, Prayer Requests